The Spiral Leads Me Home

A recap:

5 years ago I found myself ill with Grave’s Disease, a chronic, potentially debilitating malaise, most likely brought on by hormonal disruptions from pregnancy and then, chronic no-sleep with a baby for 3 years solid. My body just, gave out. At least, that’s what was happening in the physical realm.

Believing that my illness actually had spiritual roots in trauma and the past (oh that wretched hanger-on), I prayed to whatever, for relief, and a teacher showed up. That began my studies in shamanism, and this blog by the way.

I had a lot of headway. In 2016 I entered a drug trial for a nasty bug I had for 20 years burrowed deep into my liver and hiding there, another shadow from the past. It never made me really sick, but constant colds and flues had always been the hallmark of my adult life. I was always ‘under the weather’.

Miraculously, at the exact 20 year anniversary of my sobriety, the drug trial worked 100%. I was cured completely. No bugs in this blood anymore. But also strangely, I had no symptoms of Graves’ anymore either. I thought I was cured somehow of that as well.

My gratitude was immense and brought me to tears often. My head spun for a while. Why to I get this second chance? How do I deserve it? Will it last? Is it all an illusion? Do miracles actually happen like this?

Those who were following my blog for a while, may have noticed that I dropped off of the map over the course of this time. I just didn’t know how to share about this monumental shift in my reality. To be a person not carrying a deadly, communicable blood disease. To be a person also, not suffering from Graves’ anymore. And why? Being a shamanic practitioner, I could not ignore the spiritual implications, though they were, and are still in the shadows.

I rode on this for some time. 2017 was a golden year full of good health. I went back to work out in the real world – my first job away from the home sphere since my son was born. I had no symptoms of Graves’ whatsoever, blood tests coming back normal every time.

I continued through my second year of shamanic studies in a Celtic cosmology, deepening my studies.

I also hired a physiotherapist and finally tackled my ripped hamstring injury from Yoga teacher training in 2015 – something I’d been suffering with for 2 years! In the course of that we discovered that a lot of my smaller muscles had atrophied, probably due to having Graves’ and needing to sit still for so long – and this most likely caused my injury in the first place.

The Spring of 2018 found me fully healed from this and able to do yoga again daily if I wanted. I also bought a bike, my first bike as an adult! A black beauty. I started commuting to work, 20k, two times per week – a pretty good ride. An amazingly fantastic addition to my life!

Psychospiritually… this blog post can’t cover how far I’ve come. It’s mind-boggling. I have to break it into chunks to share. And that will be for future posts. Here I just wanted to review and catch up with you all.

Because, after all of that, my Graves’ symptoms have come back. And not in some small way, no that would not be my style would it? Miss extremist must also be extremely ill, apparently.

So – once again I dig deep my friends. Deeper still, than I have ever gone perhaps.

My son is 9 years old this year. 9 years old!!

When I first started this blogging journey, he was 3. Unbelievable.

I’ve just been reading over my older blog, so grateful that I wrote all that shit down. I wrote it down when I was first having Graves’ symptoms and didn’t know what was up with me. I wrote it down when I first started working with spirits, getting haunted and studying shamanism. I wrote it down when I was losing my mind from chronic sleep deprivation three years in to being a mama. What a nutter I was! lol. What a journey it’s been, these past 9 years.

And now I return to the home sphere to work. I’m ready for the shift. And I think because he is older now, I can devote more of me to this work.

In the White Bone, my lineage, we work intensively with the triskelion of the ancient Celtic people, my ancestors. Or, one could say the triskelion works intensively with us. I cannot help but clearly notice how my life seems to be moving, and actually always has moved in these ever-deepening currents. The spiral goes in-and-down, back up-and-out and back in-and-down again. I think the key is to not feel at the mercy of the gods. Resistance is futile.

I went to a shaman recently, a guy from Peru. I asked him if I would ever be well again, ever be free of illness. And he shook his head and smiled at me: “No Princess. Your illness isn’t your enemy, it’s your Teacher. It shows up to teach you how to take care of yourself.”

So be it.

I am ready to learn.

Photo is of the Newgrange entrance stone in Ireland (in public domain). I love how in order to go through the doorway to the Otherworld, one must first traverse the spiral.

2 thoughts on “The Spiral Leads Me Home

  1. Some things are so very hard to write about, I think mainly because we struggle to understand the full depth of what is happening. Very happy about the resolution to the Hep C, and very sorry for the recurrence of the Graves. Chronic illnesses such as Graves, and Fibromyalgia which I have, seem to be the containers of huge life lessons. Sometimes I think they come to show us how little we have cared for ourselves in the past, and now require us to care for self first. I am hard-headed and stubborn thanks to my Scottish ancestry, and I don’t take these lessons well. But I’m making progress, little by little.


    1. Hi Colleen. Yes! I too am a stubborn Scot 🙂 . And, I also think that when we are well, it’s easy to forget that we still have a chronic illness, and to keep up with maintenance and our routines that keep us well. At least for me that was the big lesson here. I thought I was cured! But now I realize I ‘cured’ only one layer of it – spiritually speaking – and now must continue to go deeper.

      And yes I agree progress is slow. Haha! But at least we have progress! In my case I know I am ten times better than I was at the beginning of this illness, so I am grateful for that.


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